When You Love Each Other but Keep Fighting: Understanding Modern Relationship Conflict
One of the most common things couples say to me is some version of this:
“We love each other. We’re committed. But we keep fighting … we can’t get out of this cycle and we don’t know why.”
Often, the fights aren’t even about the “big” things. They’re about tone. Dishes. Timing. A comment that landed wrong. Who did (or didn’t) follow through. And suddenly, a small moment turns into a full-blown argument that feels exhausting, familiar, and hard to stop once it starts.
As a couples therapist working with clients in New York City and New Jersey, I see this pattern all the time, especially among couples who are thoughtful, high-functioning, and genuinely want their relationship to work.
And here’s the part I tell couples early on:
Loving each other doesn’t protect you from conflict. It takes more (a lot more) than love to make a relationship dynamic, be open, and healthy.
But understanding why you’re fighting can change everything. And in therapy with me, we will start to understand the roots, patterns, and origins, so you can finally see movement.
Why modern couples are fighting more:
Many couples I work with aren’t struggling because they don’t care enough. They’re struggling because they’re tired. Their bodies and brains are exhausted. They are at wits' end (with many things in life, not only their romantic relationship).
Modern relationships exist under a lot of pressure now days:
Work stress and burnout
Mental load and uneven emotional labor
Constant stimulation and distraction
Comparison to other couples, timelines, milestones
Anxiety that doesn’t shut off when the day ends
Increase in individual mental health issues/struggles
Being children of divorce or family chaos
High cost of living and financial stressors
By the time partners sit down together, they’re often already depleted. Small moments carry more weight. Reactions happen faster. Patience is thinner. And conflict becomes less about the topic at hand and more about feeling unseen, unsupported, or alone.
This is especially true for couples navigating life transitions, including career changes, fertility stress, moving, parenting decisions, friendship stressors, taking care of aging parents, or simply trying to keep up with everything.
“We keep having the same fight” … when I hear this from couples, this is what I think:
When couples tell me they’re stuck in the same argument on repeat, I’m rarely focused on the content of the fight.
Instead, I’m listening for patterns:
Who feels unheard or dismissed
Who feels blamed or criticized
Who shuts down to cope
Who escalates because they’re scared of disconnection
Who has underlying unmet needs (hint, it’s all parties involved)
Often, what looks like “communication problems” is actually emotional reactivity, two nervous systems trying to protect themselves at the same time. Two nervous systems reacting, protecting, defending, shutting down … essentially dysregulated.
This doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means something important isn’t being expressed or felt safely yet. And once we can start creating that safety, the real work happens.
What couples therapy actually works on (beyond “communication”)
A lot of couples worry that therapy will turn into:
Scripts
Rules for arguing
Being told who’s right or wrong
That’s not how I work. In couples therapy, we slow things down and get curious about what’s happening beneath the conflict. We look at:
Emotional triggers and sensitivity points
How past experiences shape present reactions
Where anxiety shows up in the relationship
How each partner experiences safety, closeness, and repair
What each partner experiences in conflict (their POV if you will)
Each partner’s family history (what did they learn about relationships? how to have conflict? etc)
The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict entirely; it’s to help couples understand each other better, respond with more intention, and feel less stuck in cycles that don’t reflect who they want to be together.
When to consider couples therapy
I often tell couples that you don’t need to be on the brink of separation to benefit from therapy.
Couples therapy can be helpful if:
You care deeply about each other but feel disconnected
Arguments escalate quickly or feel unresolved
One or both of you feels misunderstood or alone
Anxiety or stress is impacting your relationship
You want support navigating a transition together
You want to prepare for upcoming life transitions (engagement, marriage, parenthood, etc)
Seeking help isn’t a failure, it’s a way of investing in the relationship before resentment takes over.
A final thought I share with many couples
Conflict doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It usually means something matters, and it hasn’t found the right language yet.
With the right support, couples can move from reactive patterns to more secure, connected ways of relating that feel calmer, clearer, and more sustainable over time.
If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in recurring conflict despite caring deeply about one another, couples therapy can help you understand what’s happening beneath the surface and create new ways of showing up for each other.
If you are looking for couples therapy in New York or New Jersey, you can schedule a free consultation with me to learn more about the process!